By Brent Walton
I see this commercial on television that features three or four guys sitting in a highly advertised restaurant dressed in plaid you know, brawny, manly-looking clothing, no close shaves with beers sitting on the table, just all the trappings for what looks like “real guys.” Then, one orders food because it’s less than 500 calories, like that would be normal. To me that would be like, “Hey Bob do I look fat in these jeans?” The other “guys” start to tease him but are won over by Bob’s food when it arrives, “Wow, that’s less than 500 calories? I think I’ll change my order and get me some of that.” I have throw up in my mouth at this point. Was I born in the wrong century? Have I lived too long or something?
Manfood is really pretty simple and consists of not that many things. So I thought I would try to lay out some of the guidelines to sort out what is Manfood and what is not.
- Meat: Big steaks, hamburgers, chops, bacon, ribs, BBQ, meat sandwiches,* mostly things from cows and pigs. Chicken is if it has been deep fried, but not skinless or boneless and definitely not “white meat only.” You eat what’s given to ya cuz that is what a man does. Game birds such as pheasants, ducks etc., are OK only if you can still spit the BB’s out of ‘em! Fish is good but only if you caught it yourself. If you go out and you are trying to impress your date, fish is a no. If it’s in a French sauce no, double no, no part duex. *Peanut butter and jelly= man food. Never call it PB&J or you’re a girly man.
- Fried foods: All things fried are good! Deep fried…mmm good. Meats and bread are excellent. Vegetables are good too. Hey, at least we will eat them. Potatoes are unbelievably good but never call them “French” fries they are fries, that’s it. We do not care what they are fried in but we prefer lard like God intended. We’re not afraid of trans fats either, you know, there is no trans fat in lard-it’s a natural product if there ever was. I wish our government would keep its big fat proboscis out of our food choices. Who the hell do they think they are to tell me what’s good when you couldn’t find one ounce of good in those bloated, self-righteous hypocrites?! But I digress, we’ll save that for another day. Also, be careful to not start down that “French” road or soon you will be calling potatoes “starch” and that can never happen. If you are in a restaurant and some airhead, ditzy, 22 year-old waitress yeah, I said “waitress” not server (men still call ‘em as they see ‘em; they are still waiters and waitresses and not “staff” or “associates”) asks you for your “starch” you say, “maybe on my shirts.” Who started this protein and starch nonsense anyway?
- Bread: Manfood for sure. Be careful though, bread has shifted from being meat holder and gravy sopper to its own culinary statement. Stay away from bread with fancy names and do not refer to bread as a “carb” or “that’s fattening.” Get over it! Bread is a great accessory and it should not be a feature unless it is toast and not the “F” (French) toast.
- Beans, rice, vegetables and pasta: Caution. Beans are one of life’s great treasures. So far they haven’t been messed with too bad. I have heard them referred to as “legumes” and they are starting to turn up in salads and sauces that they do not belong in. Beans are best with beans and maybe a little meat like in chili or soup; but salads, no. Rice is very dangerous these days. I love rice. Leave it alone. Don’t screw with it. Vegetables should be fried, not sautéed, deep fried and should never be a main course or feature, rather a side like corn on the cob: no flowerettes, alfredo, or raw and never, never organic! Pasta: spaghettis, linguine with meat sauce, eat it like it was intended, like a mafia guy and not an Orange County Housewife. Never call it a “carb” either, it is a carbohydrate. Carbs used to be on engines that were not fuel injected in the olden days.
- Beer: All Manfood goes with beer, even breakfast! Good ol’ regular beer, cold! Don’t let me hear you say “hoppy” either. Dark or weird named beer, mini micro, wheaty wheat beer isn’t Manfood either. I’m suspicious of English and Irish beers that are warm. They’re not man food. Sounds like there’s no refrigeration so I’m not buying any brewing method bullsh*t.
- Dessert: Manfood as long as it means “another hot dog, hamburger, or beer.” Real pies or cakes like the type you grandmother could bake are good. Ice-cream, chocolate and vanilla only. No French sounding or reduced calorie dessert.
The following is a list of Manfood for clarification:
Breakfast: Manfood. No croissants or “F” (French) toast.
Lamb: Manfood except with mint jelly.
Chips and all fried snack foods: Manfood.
Tofu: Not Manfood (any imitation meat also).
Noveau or almandine: No way.
French named foods: Absolutely not.
Mexican food: Manfood.
Asian food: Not Manfood.
Fusion: Forget it!
Soul food: Manfood.
Organic anything: Hell no!
Low calorie foods: NO NO NO.
Real pizza= Manfood: bastardized versions: Not Manfood.
Deli meats: Manfood. Gotta love that headcheese.
Turkey hot dogs: Not Manfood-bait!
Gravy: Manfood heaven.
I think you know this, as real men know by instinct. Girly dudes will soon be exposed.
We are slowly falling prey to this eat healthier food that is not natural for us man- types. I think this is a dangerous trend. Guys are changing and I’m not seeing the good in it. Is your wife or girlfriend any happier? I thought so. No matter how much they try to civilize us it will never be enough. I personally like the fact we are behind the civilization 8-ball. I think men and women are different for a reason. A woman’s goal is to civilize us and our goal is to go kickin’ and screamin’ like real men. So I say stay within the Manfood guidelines and remember to wipe your face with your sleeve…that always gets ‘em!